Empathy..

Have you ever experienced a moment of intense sadness and vulnerablility that it rendered you speechless?

I did.

Last Sunday.

Let me tell you why...

A close family friend of my in-laws was in a comatose stage when she fell down while bathing on Saturday. Her daughter was the one who discovered her in the morning. So on Sunday, we went to pay her a visit.
I don't really know the details behind her illness but when I saw her lying on the hospital bed with all the equipments attached to her.. I don't think I want to know the details.

I don't know why I felt so affected by all of it.
I don't really know her. I even send her daughter (who is a member of a forum but I've never met her before) a PM to tell her how sorry I am about her mom's situation. Maybe it's because of me being too emotional. I feel for people's pain. For e.g. if I were to watch somebody pinch my hubby's nose really really hard, I can feel my nose twitch and it kinda hurt.
I still can't forget the scene from Hannibal where the guy's head was cut open to reveal the brain while he was still alive.. Yikes.... My scalp tingles whenever I recall that scene in my mind.
Or the scene in Saw where the doctor have to saw off his own feet in order to rescue his family.. *shudder*

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Well, now that I've mentioned Hannibal & Saw, let me tell you something about myself..
I can never watch a horror movie alone. I really hate to admit that I am such a scaredy cat.. Hehehe..
Azmi have such a wild time scaring me out of my wits sometimes. Arrghh!
And I don't have the guts to play Doom3 again on the Xbox. I got hubby to buy it for me but the game have been sitting on the shelf ever since there was an incident where I nearly peed in my pants while playing it. Dang! Those zombies really give me the creep.. Hahaha..

Sshhh.. Let it be our little secret ok?

I think I better stop here before I spill out more unsavoury secrets about myself to you guys.. ;p~

Why?

Some people ask me why I don't allow any commenting on my blog. The reason is simple. I don't have the time to moderate/read it.
I don't even have time to update my blog regularly.
And I've seen lots of examples around me where readers abuse this function and use it as a medium for attacking the authors. bleah~~

So if you feel that you have something to say to me, just drop me an email at idayunor@hotmail.com
I do make a point to check my emails almost everyday and I'll try to set aside some time from my busy schedule to reply to my fans' emails.. Hahaha..

Another long post~~~

I just realised that I've typed out the previous entry in English. Hmmm.. Why ah? And I can't imagine letting my mom read it. Heehehe.. Malu ah nak feeling2 ni..
But I will let her read it one day..

Hub said the other day that he had developed an application for his company and it will be patented under his name. Which means a lawyer will have to be there and hub will have to sign some documents to say that no one can copy/make use of it without his permission. Gee.. It all sound sooooooo grown-up.. Hahahaha..

I feel so damn proud of him! He have went a long way to be where he is right now and he's not even a poly graduate. ;p~

Now moving on to something else..
Here's a lyric that I want to share..

Depeche Mode - Somebody

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She'll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She'll hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me
Aaaahhhhh....
I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought
With every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it
And in a place like this
I'll get away with it
Aaaahhhhh....

Beautiful lyric but the song is hideous.. Well, this is my opinion.. Sorry if I've offended any Depeche Mode fans out there.
Anyway, when I was a kid, I found one of my neighbour's portfolio in my brother's cupboard. She wrote this lyric on the front page in gorgeous cursive handwriting and it made quite an impression on me. And it kinda made me want to be the woman described in that song. Lol! And I was only a kid, mind you..
I want to be someone who will listen to other people's views but will not be swayed nor converted. (Some people might misunderstood it as being stubborn)
I want to be able to hear my friends' deepest, darkest secrets.. no matter how perverted, skewed or sick and I would never judge them for it.
I want to be able to hold my own views on some things and will stand up for whatever I strongly believe in. (Even though I got into a lot of trouble in the past because of this)

Some men can't stand to be in the company of a woman who are more confident, intelligent and educated than them. And some of the elders think that it's such a waste of time & money to educate girls because they are going to end up cooking & cleaning for their husbands. Arrrghhh..!

I am glad that my mom don't think like these people. She's the one who encouraged me to finish my studies and to go on continuing it instead of just being content with what I have right now. Being uneducated herself, she had experienced first hand of how difficult life can be without education. I admire how she pushed herself to take up massage lessons even when she was faced with a lot of obstacles and objections from the people around her. One of her advice to me was,
'Don't rely 100% on people around you. Even family members. They might turn around and refuse to help you when you are in need. Learn to stand on your own 2 feet and learn to take initiatives instead of waiting around for help that will never come. This is where a solid education will be useful to you. '

Of course she said it in Malay and I also don't remember her exact words. Heehee.. ;p~
My dad also supports her views on this and worked really hard to provide money for our educations.

A few months ago, I heard from a nenek (not related to me lah), who had offended me tremendously by saying, 'Nenek cakap jgn marah eh? Anak dara zaman dulu tak macam sekarang. Dorang dulu bleh masak, jahit baju, kemas rumah.. Tak kluar rumah merayap.... '
I was so pissed off and I nearly screamed at her ---> 'HALLO NENEK! SAYA CAKAP JGN MARAH OK! ANAK DARA ZAMAN DULU BOLEH PROGRAM C++ TAK? BOLEH BAWAK KENDERAAN TAK? BOLEH REPAIR COMPUTER TAK? BOLEH DESIGN WEBSITE TAK?!!

Instead, I just said,'Dulu lain nek, tak boleh samakan dengan sekarang. Polis sekarang mana ada pakai seluar pendek lagi..'
She didn't look very happy with my reply but we changed the topic to something else.

Sigh..

I don't know why I was so angry with her. I know she can't be blamed because she came from a different generation where women will stay at home, do housework and are content with a basic education in school. After they find a suitable candidate for a husband, they will get married, be a housewife and a mother.

I think I have to explain why I don't know how to sew and why my cooking skills are limited.
From the time I was 5 years old, I was sent to school. This will continue on and on till I graduate. Then after I graduated, I went on to get a job and work till I die.. Where got time to learn all those skills that the previous generations have prided themselves to master? Like sewing, I don't see the need to invest my energy in it when I buy clothes off the rack.. No doubt, I can still repair torn shirts or whatever.. But to learn how to sew an impressive set of curtains for the house?.. No thank you. I can pay someone to do it for me. Ya, I know I can save loads of money by doing it myself but let me say this to you --> You can always earn back the money that you've lost. But how about time, darling?

With the time that I've saved by paying someone else to do it for me, I can do so many other things that I'll enjoy. Heh..

Oklah.. I'll end my post now..

Gee.. I don't know how I can type out such a long boring post.. and at work some more.. Hehehe..

The 3-letter word that means so much to me..

She goes by many names.. You can call her Aminah, Mazni, Ani, Mak Ngah or Mak Long..
But I am just glad and lucky to call her Mak..
Not mummy or mama.. Just this 3-letter word that means so much to me..

I was only 14.
As a teenager, I know that I was a constant pain in your neck..
Not only was I rebellious.. I was a petulant kid and full of angst.
I was angry with the whole world and the pressure to conform to my so-called bestfriends' expectations drove me crazy.
I was unhappy with everything.. My allowance, my homeworks, my teachers, my siblings, my body, my face, my tiny little 3-room flat..
And I thought I was being cool, hating everybody and everything..

I can still vividly recall the day when we had a fight..
The day when you tried to discipline me, I screamed,'I hate it! I am so fed-up! Why did you even give birth to me?!!'..
The look on your face made me think twice of what I'd just said. Your face crumpled up but no tears came out. You just kept quiet and walked away, leaving me speechless and remorseful..
Later on when everything had calmed down, you came to me and explained that every child that came out from your womb is a product of love from both you and Ayah. You said that every parents hope to give their child a better life. Giving birth to us was a joyful thing for you. You proudly said that you will be happy to go through all of it again if you have to. You painstakingly explained to me that the life that we are living right now are what both of you can afford to give to us at that moment....

I didn't take into account that you'd taken up a part-time job to clean rich people's house to help Ayah with the bills and also to make our life a little better with the extra income.
I didn't realised at that time that the smaller the house, the closer our family became. And being middle-income doesn't mean that the quality of life I am living is third-class. In fact, it was a gold-class standard of living that made me into what I am right now. But I was too blind to see. A blind and an ignorant teenager who only cared about herself.

I hate to admit it but I was a messed-up little girl..
When I was a toddler, I was diagnosed with a skin disease that made some areas of my skin to be white. White as snow...
The doctor said that it was due to lack of pigmentation.. I was like an unfinished portrait because the artist had ran out of paint.

My brother used to poke fun of me by saying that I've contracted the disease from Michael Jackson.
But Mak, you were the one who brought me to a skin specialist, trying to get rid of the disease to make your daughter whole again. No matter how hard I tried to resist the treatments, you still persevere and coaxed me gently.

I hated the alcohol solution that you rubbed on my white skin. I hated the time when I had to sit still and sun myself in the kitchen after school as adviced by the doctor. I hated the huge blisters that formed on my skin when I overexposed it to the sun. I hated the ugly scars that were left behind when the blisters have healed. I hated the sleepless nights that I've endured because of the pain. I hated the days when I was unable to walk because of the pain. I hated all the years when I was ridiculed & abused by my schoolmates due to my funny skin disease. How I hated it when I heard paranoid mothers telling their kids not to play with me, because they are afraid their kids might contract my disease. I hated it so much that I didn't think twice when I gulped down 8 panadols to kill myself when I was only 6!

But what I didn't remember was that you were there beside me.. patiently & tirelessly nursing me back to health. And I've somehow forgotten how hard you have tried to console me when I came home crying, unable to take it anymore.. I've forgotten how you yourself had sleepless nights when I was in pain. How you'd wrung your hand in despair, not knowing how to lessen your daughter's agony and tears.. It was a futile attempt to treat my skin problem and seeing how much money was wasted on those treatments that were not working, I just give up. Now I am more in peace with myself and accepted my condition as it is. And I am extremely lucky to have an understanding husband who loves me unconditionally, just like you did..

Mak.. I've read countless sad poems & stories, telling me how they've regretted not cherishing their own mothers when they were still alive. And I just can't stop the tears welling up in my eyes when I read them, reminding me time & time again not to take you for granted.

The fact that you are living on borrowed time and the fact that I am now a married woman, busy with my own daily tasks only made it worst for me.
I miss you, Mak.. And I love you even more..
If only you knew.. If only you can feel how much I love you by the way I kissed you goodbye everytime I am leaving for my new home in Ubi.
I wished that I can turn back the time and take back all the tears & heartaches I've caused you and replace it with your smiles & laughter, day after day..
I wished that I can shoulder the burden that you are carrying right now because of both of your kidneys.
I wished that I can drop all my current responsibilities and be there for you like the way you have been there for me previously but I can't. I am really sorry..

Mak, no matter how hard you mask your pain, I can clearly see through you. I know that you are hiding all these because you don't want us to worry about you. Now I am the one wringing my hand, trying to find ways to make you comfortable while you are plugged to that machine that is helping me prolong your life..

Mak, I want you to know that I admire your strength, your willfulness, your silent dignity, your beauty, your independence, your resourcefulness, your selflessness, your wisdom and your ability to accept and endure what life have thrown in your path.
If one day I may become a mother myself, I know it will be hard for me to stand as equal as you.
I prayed fervently that you will be by my side forever but I know that it's just wishful thinking. A fool's hope.

What I can do right now is pray for God to grant me more time to undo all the damages that I'd done in the past. And the strength to carry on when you are finally at peace..

PS: I took 1 whole day to type the post above because I have to stop once in a while to stop the tears from welling up in my eyes. And in the middle of it, I gave my mom a call to ask how she's been and promise her that I will be going to pay her a visit this Saturday.

Sigh.. Miss her so much~

Yada yada yada..

Warning~~ Long post ahead~

Hub's birthday went by without a glitch. ;p~
We went to watch MI3 by utilising the free movie tix given by my company for my b'day. It's a good movie but I don't understand the twist.. *scratch head* Bleah~~
But it doesn't matter coz I loike Tom Cruise~~. He's 40 and yet he still look so good. Hehehe.
And he kinda remind me of someone I know in Starhub.

Let's move on to other things..

My current weight is now 55kg. I can now do 2 sets of 50 push-ups and 2 sets of 20 crunches.. (now I know why it's called 'crunches', because your face crunched up in a funny way as you try to endure this torturous form of exercise..).
As for my arms, hub recommended me to continue me bench-pressing 5kg till I can feel the pain on both of my arms. I still remember the day I said 'Huh? So little?' when he placed 2.5kg on each side of the bar. He laughed and said that he wanted me to tone my muscles instead of making me bulky. And then when I was on the 2nd set, ah kau~~ I felt as if my arms have turned to jelly. It was as if the 5kg suddenly became 50kg! There was a time that I cried out in pain and nearly dropped the weight onto my OWN FACE! Yikes!!
Lucky hub was there to rescue me..
Tu lah, anggek sangat kan? Padan muka aku.. Hehehe.. ;p~

Oh yeah~~ I defeated Azlan in a short race from the lift to our house, which is a good 50m distance and he lost.. Hahaha.. I am surprised at the short spurt of energy that I have and I didn't even lie on the floor gasping for air when I reached the door.
MIL didn't know of course.. I am sure she will 'geleng her kepala' seeing how her DIL is behaving like a kid. LoL!

Ok.. One more thing to update here..
We went to Kampung Chai Chee Restaurant last Saturday. Busu treated all of us for dinner since she sold her old house and will be moving to a new one in Sembawang. All of hub's relatives were there. Service was good. They even gave away a few stalks of fresh flowers to the mothers in our group since it was a day before Mother's Day. I personally recommend you guys to buy the Black Pepper Crab. Syiook babe~ Bila tengah makan, telinga goyang2.. Tak ingat dunia when you eat it.. Hehe..

I received funny looks when I gave the Shark Fin Soup a pass. They thought that I don't like to eat fish. Hah! WRONG!
Here's a random fact about me --> I don't eat Shark Fin Soup~
I don't eat it because I've seen how many sharks have died unnecessarily & cruelly to provide us with that dish. As far as I am concerned, the bowl that contains that dish looks like it's filled with blood. Anyway, it's bloody unhealthy to eat it. It's laced with mercury, which do not have any benefit to one's health at all!!! Well... other than making men sterile. So guys, if you are planning not to have anymore kids, go on and indulge yourself in this dish. Muahahahaha..
Here's a few links regarding the mercury level in case you all don't believe me.
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2002/07/31/world/main517011.shtml
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/g/archive/2003/01/20/urbananimal.DTL
http://www.jamiebaldwin.co.uk/bbc%20nature/BBC%20-%20Nature%20News%20-%20Shark%20fin%20mercury%20claims%20damage%20restaura.htm

I particularly like the way this Malaysian author wrote this article.. http://thestar.com.my/lifestyle/story.asp?file=/2006/1/29/lifefocus/13243353&sec=lifefocus

Here's a few excerpt from that same article which I find to be quote-worthy:

'To make the soup, the fins are cooked for hours until the cartilage separates into needles. Shark fin soup is basically boiled cartilage! The fins have little real nutritional value. They may have texture, but don’t offer much taste. It’s the broth – made of pork, chicken and mushrooms or whatever – that gives taste.
So the fins cost a bomb, have no taste and offer no health benefits. Plus, there’s a terrible ecological toll – we are eating sharks to extinction!'

'The claims that shark fin soup is an energy tonic or increases potency have no scientific basis.
In fact, the reverse may be true. Long-term shark fin consumption could even cause sterility in men because of mercury contamination.
Mercury, used industrially for making plastics and batteries, pollutes many rivers and seas. Many species of fish are affected but mercury content is much higher in sharks. At the top of the food chain, sharks ingest all toxic material consumed by smaller fish. A Thai government survey found seven of 10 shark fin samples to be contaminated.
For this reason, the United States Environmental Protection Agency has advised pregnant women not to eat shark meat. Britain’s Food Standards Authority has also warned against serving it to children.
Mercury, by the way, is known to affect the nervous system. It was once used in the process of making hats, but drove hat makers mad – thus, the phrase “mad as a hatter”.'

'But the real tragedy in shark fin soup is the way in which the fins are procured. Typically, fishermen cut the fins off and throw the sharks back into the water, because the meat has little value. As sharks need fins to swim and must move to get oxygen, the mutilated sharks then bleed to death or drown. Divers have discovered huge shark graveyards.'

'Every year, some 100 million sharks are killed, says conservation group Wild Aid. Hong Kong alone imported the fins of 28 million sharks in 1999.'

'Unlike many other fish, sharks reproduce slowly. They take years to reach sexual maturity – 30 years for the sand bank shark. Some sharks only produce two young in a breeding cycle. Depleted shark populations take a long time to recover, if they can recover at all.
Sharks have been around for the past 400 million years. They are the predators at the top of the ocean’s food chain. If they were to become extinct, it is not known how this would affect the ocean’s ecology in the long term. Now tell me, is that bowlful of prestige really worth this?'

Don't try to tempt me by saying how delicious it is.. because I KNOW! I've eaten it before when I was young, stupid and uninformed. Shark fins itself are tasteless but it was transformed into a delicious dish when the rest of the ingredients are added in. Duh~~
If I've offended you with the above paragraph, I apologise. It's just that I am very passionate about animals. I hate to see them caught by fishermen, have their fins cut off and thrown back into the sea to DIE just so that human beings get to eat a small part of their body. It's such a waste. Will talk more about my passion in one of my future postings.. I sure do hope that what I've written above might change your opinion on eating that dish.
And also I hope that you will remember what I've wrote in here the next time you are about to dig in into a bowl of boiled shark fin soup.

Ok ok.. back to the dinner outing..
And as usual, his aunts were asking me if i dah ada. They didn't know what happened to me last week actually coz I didn't really tell anyone about it except for a few people. So I just replied "InsyaAllah. Belom ada rezeki lah. Doa2 kan lah eh?" To which they replied "InsyaAllah" and proceeded to look like they pity me. Grr...

Thanks gals.. For the kinky gifts..

Now I know that I have very horny and kinky friends, who gave me & hubby (since his b'day is only 5 days away from me) kinky gifts to spice up our sex life.. Lol!

Thanks ar~ It's spicy enough for me liao.. Scared later too spicy, I cannot take it.. Hehe..

And it also gives me an idea on what to give hubby for his b'day..
Nope, not gonna type it all here.. There are underage kids reading this blog anyway..
I am just tell you this -----> it's got something to do with chocolate-cherry scented warming massage oil.. Yummy!

My Sis-in-law & brother gave me a groovy looking ring.. I love it and I am wearing it right now.

Oh ya.. I had a few lovely surprises on my b'day.. There was a delivery of a large bouquet of gorgeous red roses and pink tulips (my fav.....!) at 3pm. My colleagues came over to hand-deliver it to me since I was on the phone. When I saw it, I was shocked and speechless for a few seconds.. Heh. The customer on the other line was like,'Hello.. Hello.. Are you there?'.. LoL~

So sweet kan? Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh....... That was before I read the card that was attached to the flowers.. After that, I was blushing endlessly.. ;p~
So malu......... Some of my colleagues was giving me naughty winks and smiling weird smiles at me.. ;p~

Another lovely surprise was when I thought we were having a romantic dinner, just the two of us until I accidentally read the sms in his handphone. We were on the way to the restaurant when I was fiddling innocently with his O2 mini. It showed that he was planning with our friends to surprise me. Too bad, I read the sms and ruin the surprise.. Hehe..

I'll rate that day as Best B'day Day ever~~

Happy b'day to me.. Happy b'day to me..
Happy b'day to meeee...

Happy b'day to me...

Hubby woke me up this morning by wishing me a very Happy B'day with a kiss.. If anyone were to ask me what's my b'day wish was, I'll tell them that it have already came true.. I am falling in love all over again..
Ish.. Kalau aku tau, dah lama aku kawen.. Hahaha..

Sigh.. I am floating in marital bliss... On cloud nine... Waking up every morning with a smile on my face...

Ok ok.. I'll stop all that mushy2 stuffs ok.. So you guys can stop gagging already.. ;p~

I am happy to report that I don't have flabby arms anymore. When I wave goodbye, I don't have any extra jiggling sensation.. It's well defined and toned.
And I can do 50 push ups without even breaking into a sweat. (I can vaguely recall the day when I nearly fainted when I tried to finish 20 push-ups. Macam nak terputus tali perut!)
It's only a matter of time before all the babats dissolves to reveal my stomach muscles. ;p~

We have been utilising the gym regularly now with my hubby as personal trainer. I feel stronger and more confident of my body.. Even my body posture have improved tremendously.

Oh ya.. Thanks to all who wishes me Happy B'day.. Just wanna remind you guys that I am still 24.. And don't you ever forget that!

Hehehehe.. ;p~

I am bored.. Really bored..

Really really really bored...

B O R E D !

PS : It's my birthday tomorrow.. Another year older.. Big deal.. Bleah~
If any of you guys are thinking of buying me a gift, I really don't mind getting books called 'Sorcery' or 'The Light Fantastic' by Terry Pratchett. Hehehe.. *hint* *hint* *nudge* *nudge*