Mak passed away on the 14/04/09 at 11.54am. We are still coping with her not being around anymore. Missed her so much and I managed to secure the head scarf that she used on the day that we sent her to the hospital. Her scent still lingers on it and I've been taking deep whiff of it whenever I miss her. I have to accept that she is finally at peace.
Innalillahi Wainnalillahi Rojiun..
I redha..
On 16 May 2006, I posted this blog entry. It was typed especially with Mak on my mind.
She goes by many names..
You can call her Aminah, Mazni, Ani, Mak Ngah or Mak Long..
But I am just glad and lucky to call her Mak..
Not mummy or mama.. Just this 3-letter word that means so much to me..
I was only 14.
As a teenager, I know that I was a constant pain in your neck..
Not only was I rebellious.. I was a petulant kid and full of angst.
I was angry with the whole world and the pressure to conform to my so-called bestfriends' expectations drove me crazy.
I was unhappy with everything.. My allowance, my homeworks, my teachers, my siblings, my body, my face, my tiny little 3-room flat..
And I thought I was being cool, hating everybody and everything..
I can still vividly recall the day when we had a fight..
The day when you tried to discipline me, I screamed,'I hate it! I am so fed-up! Why did you even give birth to me?!!'..
The look on your face made me think twice of what I'd just said. Your face crumpled up but no tears came out. You just kept quiet and walked away, leaving me speechless and remorseful..
Later on when everything had calmed down, you came to me and explained that every child that came out from your womb is a product of love from both you and Ayah. You said that every parents hope to give their child a better life. Giving birth to us was a joyful thing for you. You proudly said that you will be happy to go through all of it again if you have to. You painstakingly explained to me that the life that we are living right now are what both of you can afford to give to us at that moment....
I didn't take into account that you'd taken up a part-time job to clean rich people's house to help Ayah with the bills and also to make our life a little better with the extra income.
I didn't realised at that time that the smaller the house, the closer our family became. And being middle-income doesn't mean that the quality of life I am living is third-class. In fact, it was a gold-class standard of living that made me into what I am right now. But I was too blind to see. A blind and an ignorant teenager who only cared about herself.
I hate to admit it but I was a messed-up little girl..
When I was a toddler, I was diagnosed with a skin disease that made some areas of my skin to be white. White as snow...
The doctor said that it was due to lack of pigmentation.. I was like an unfinished portrait because the artist had ran out of paint.
My brother used to poke fun of me by saying that I've contracted the disease from Michael Jackson.
But Mak, you were the one who brought me to a skin specialist, trying to get rid of the disease to make your daughter whole again. No matter how hard I tried to resist the treatments, you still persevere and coaxed me gently.
I hated the alcohol solution that you rubbed on my white skin. I hated the time when I had to sit still and sun myself in the kitchen after school as adviced by the doctor. I hated the huge blisters that formed on my skin when I overexposed it to the sun. I hated the ugly scars that were left behind when the blisters have healed. I hated the sleepless nights that I've endured because of the pain. I hated the days when I was unable to walk because of the pain. I hated all the years when I was ridiculed & abused by my schoolmates due to my funny skin disease. How I hated it when I heard paranoid mothers telling their kids not to play with me, because they are afraid their kids might contract my disease. I hated it so much that I didn't think twice when I gulped down 8 panadols to kill myself when I was only 6!
But what I didn't remember was that you were there beside me.. patiently & tirelessly nursing me back to health. And I've somehow forgotten how hard you have tried to console me when I came home crying, unable to take it anymore.. I've forgotten how you yourself had sleepless nights when I was in pain. How you'd wrung your hand in despair, not knowing how to lessen your daughter's agony and tears.. It was a futile attempt to treat my skin problem and seeing how much money was wasted on those treatments that were not working, I just give up. Now I am more in peace with myself and accepted my condition as it is. And I am extremely lucky to have an understanding husband who loves me unconditionally, just like you did..
Mak.. I've read countless sad poems & stories, telling me how they've regretted not cherishing their own mothers when they were still alive. And I just can't stop the tears welling up in my eyes when I read them, reminding me time & time again not to take you for granted.
The fact that you are living on borrowed time and the fact that I am now a married woman, busy with my own daily tasks only made it worst for me.
I miss you, Mak.. And I love you even more..
If only you knew.. If only you can feel how much I love you by the way I kissed you goodbye everytime I am leaving for my new home in Ubi.
I wished that I can turn back the time and take back all the tears & heartaches I've caused you and replace it with your smiles & laughter, day after day..
I wished that I can shoulder the burden that you are carrying right now because of both of your kidneys.
I wished that I can drop all my current responsibilities and be there for you like the way you have been there for me previously but I can't. I am really sorry..
Mak, no matter how hard you mask your pain, I can clearly see through you. I know that you are hiding all these because you don't want us to worry about you. Now I am the one wringing my hand, trying to find ways to make you comfortable while you are plugged to that machine that is helping me prolong your life..
Mak, I want you to know that I admire your strength, your willfulness, your silent dignity, your beauty, your independence, your resourcefulness, your selflessness, your wisdom and your ability to accept and endure what life have thrown in your path.
If one day I may become a mother myself, I know it will be hard for me to stand as equal as you.
I prayed fervently that you will be by my side forever but I know that it's just wishful thinking. A fool's hope.
What I can do right now is pray for God to grant me more time to undo all the damages that I'd done in the past. And the strength to carry on when you are finally at peace..
PS: I took 1 whole day to type the post above because I have to stop once in a while to stop the tears from welling up in my eyes. And in the middle of it, I gave my mom a call to ask how she's been and promise her that I will be going to pay her a visit this Saturday.
Sigh.. Miss her so much~
