Will be continued..

To my dearest and loving readers out there..

Please please please bear with me. I know that I have been neglecting to update this blog for so long. The reason is that my home PC is down at the moment and we are still putting in $$ to buy a new one.. :)

Blogging on Azmi's work laptop is no fun and he kept wanting to see what I am typing about him, so yeah, no privacy at all. Urrghh..

Will resume the not-so-normal transmission in a while.
Stay tune.

Sorry~

** Fyi, I am looking at Alysha right now. She's pasting blue shiny little stars onto her face.. LoL~ **

About Ayah..

The man who I used to dislike in my teenage years is now breaking my heart.. Him who had to put up with me, clothe and fed me is now making me cry again.. Just by saying 'Ayah dah makan maggi tadi sebelom datang sini..'
Sigh.. Ayah is now staying alone in Kallang coz I took Suhaila to live with me. It's just my way of helping him so that he won't be so stressed with Suhaila alone at home all the time.
He's been very quiet yesterday during kenduri tahlil for arwah Mak. I wonder what was he thinking about.. Kinda worried though.. I really wish that I could take care of him. :(

Vacation in Malaysia.. 13th June to 17th June (Part 1)

I haven't been blogging for a while. It seems that nowadays I don't feel like writing anything anymore. So many things have been happening to me, but I think now is not a good time to write about them all. Anyway, my blog is being read by a lot of people and I might risk hurting their feelings.

Well.. Let's talk about something light.. Shall we?

Last June school holidays, we had a vacation in Malaysia. Ayah & Suhaila, Along & family, Abg Ngah & family and us had a blast of a time there.
I never would have thought that I would have so much fun vacationing with my family. It was one of the best vacation ever. Surely one for the memory book!

We booked a villa in A'Farmosa waaaaaaaay in advance, hoping & praying that arwah Mak would be able to enjoy this with us.. probably we had this nagging feeling that it would be her last as she has not been in her best of health for the past few months before she passed away. We even planned the vacation to fit nicely into her dialysis schedule.

So the villa was already booked and paid in full. I was glad that we carried on with our plan instead of cancelling it as it showed that we really really needed it because there was that much needed bonding between our family members. We are also trying to keep Ayah's mind occupied as much as possible, not only during our vacation, but even now..

Hmm.. I wanted to talk about something light.. :) But I can't stop thinking about our loss..

Before I started crying again.. Here are our vacation photos.. Courtesy of Along & Family..
Oh ya.. I've been bugging Abg Yunos to snap a studio shot of Alysha for sooo long and he offered to take outdoor shots of my lil pwincess during our trip.. I think it's not ready yet.. I can't wait to see the result!

Without further ado..



Here we are.. The very first photo at our meetup point..



Here is a pic of Zafir drooling.. So cute.. I am sooooo gonna show this photo to his future gf.. Hahaha..



Ayah dozing off..



Here's a picture of our villa and the private pool.. I miss soaking in that pool!



Here's another shot of the villa..



Alysha staring at nothing.. LoL~



The 2 'A's in their own private world.. Alysha & Aiman..



Huda and Nabila..



Getting ready to play Captain Ball in the pool.. We made up our own rules as we play along and that includes pulling each others' shirts, splashing water on the face continuously so that the player can't see what's going on, trying to bribe the referee (Nabila)... Haha.. It was the best! After the game, our eyes were red because of splashing.. Poor Abg Yunos got kicked in the face and hit his rib by the side of the pool..



Here we are.. Getting ready for our seafood dinner at..........



.. Ikan Bakar Anjung Muara, Sungai Duyong Melaka..



Here's Abg Ngah.. just being his usual 'normal' self.. :)



From left : Huda, Lolong, Aiman, Alysha and Ngangah..



After our dinner, we went to Mak Bibik's house..




Ayah and his cucus..





The little stowaway sneaking into the back of Along's car..



Alysha and Kak Uda..




The next night, we went to the fun fair.. Located within the resort itself..
Here's a picture of Mak Busu trying out rodeo..



Ibu & Alysha riding into the sunset..



Along & Abg Long in the buggy. Yeah, we had to wear rubbish bags over our clothes to protect it from being dirty. The tracks were suspiciously muddy coz it hadn't been raining that day..



That's a picture of me & Azmi taken by Along.. She turned around and managed to snap it.. Both of us were trying to overtake the slowpokes in front of us.. Heh..



We managed to cut through them when my crazy hubby drove onto the huge puddle of water..  Yeah, we got totally drenched.. It was my first mud-bath experience and I don't even have to go to the spa to get it.. ;p.. It was craaaaaaazy but totally totally FUN!!



One of the most memorable part of our vacation.. Playing War Game using PaintBall!!
This is a picture of us doing the 'Oh-Som' (I don't know how to translate that.. But it's a way of splitting team by showing our palm or the back of our hands to divide a group of even number of players equally into 2).. Look at Azmi! Look at the excitement on his face.. LoL~ The result is that me, Azmi and Abg Yunos is in 1 group. Suhaila, Abg Ngah and Ayah as our opposing team.



Me, Azmi and Abg Yunos were wearing black on the left.. Look at Abu Sayyaf in the middle.. LoL~ The little group pose before killing each other off in the battle field..



Taking our positions before the war starts..



Ready.. 3.. 2.. 1.. GO!!



.. And then the blood (well.. it's just paint lah) started to flow.. (Yeap.. That's me taking cover behind the barrel on the left side of the picture)



That's Abg Ngah.. running to grab the flag before getting shot down by us!



Hahahahaha.. That's my team.. In black.. In various poses.. Priceless!!



The black team WON the war!!..  



Battle weary, we started exiting the battle field. Full of bruises, but it doesn't matter.. coz we WON!



Me and my darling hubby~



Ayah tersayang..



A picture of us..

I'll post the rest soon.. There's a part 2 to this post..

Still trying to pick up the pieces..

It still hurt a lot to talk about Arwah Mak..

I really wanted to type about what had happened coz blogging for me is some sort of a therapy. Writing about things that had happened in my life seems to help me make sense of it all..

But this event, it’s like picking on a scab of a wound that is trying to heal.

I miss her so much..

Do me a favour.. If you still have a mother, give her a kiss for me.. A real kiss with a solid hug. Shower her with love even if you don’t normally do that..

Do this for me coz I can’t do it anymore. :’(

Thank you.

I miss her..

Mak passed away on the 14/04/09 at 11.54am. We are still coping with her not being around anymore. Missed her so much and I managed to secure the head scarf that she used on the day that we sent her to the hospital. Her scent still lingers on it and I've been taking deep whiff of it whenever I miss her. I have to accept that she is finally at peace.

Innalillahi Wainnalillahi Rojiun..

I redha..

On 16 May 2006, I posted this blog entry. It was typed especially with Mak on my mind.

The 3-letter word that means so much to me..

She goes by many names..

You can call her Aminah, Mazni, Ani, Mak Ngah or Mak Long..

But I am just glad and lucky to call her Mak..

Not mummy or mama.. Just this 3-letter word that means so much to me..

I was only 14.

As a teenager, I know that I was a constant pain in your neck..

Not only was I rebellious.. I was a petulant kid and full of angst.

I was angry with the whole world and the pressure to conform to my so-called bestfriends' expectations drove me crazy.

I was unhappy with everything.. My allowance, my homeworks, my teachers, my siblings, my body, my face, my tiny little 3-room flat..

And I thought I was being cool, hating everybody and everything..

I can still vividly recall the day when we had a fight..

The day when you tried to discipline me, I screamed,'I hate it! I am so fed-up! Why did you even give birth to me?!!'..

The look on your face made me think twice of what I'd just said. Your face crumpled up but no tears came out. You just kept quiet and walked away, leaving me speechless and remorseful..

Later on when everything had calmed down, you came to me and explained that every child that came out from your womb is a product of love from both you and Ayah. You said that every parents hope to give their child a better life. Giving birth to us was a joyful thing for you. You proudly said that you will be happy to go through all of it again if you have to. You painstakingly explained to me that the life that we are living right now are what both of you can afford to give to us at that moment....

I didn't take into account that you'd taken up a part-time job to clean rich people's house to help Ayah with the bills and also to make our life a little better with the extra income.

I didn't realised at that time that the smaller the house, the closer our family became. And being middle-income doesn't mean that the quality of life I am living is third-class. In fact, it was a gold-class standard of living that made me into what I am right now. But I was too blind to see. A blind and an ignorant teenager who only cared about herself.

I hate to admit it but I was a messed-up little girl..

When I was a toddler, I was diagnosed with a skin disease that made some areas of my skin to be white. White as snow...

The doctor said that it was due to lack of pigmentation.. I was like an unfinished portrait because the artist had ran out of paint.

My brother used to poke fun of me by saying that I've contracted the disease from Michael Jackson.

But Mak, you were the one who brought me to a skin specialist, trying to get rid of the disease to make your daughter whole again. No matter how hard I tried to resist the treatments, you still persevere and coaxed me gently.

I hated the alcohol solution that you rubbed on my white skin. I hated the time when I had to sit still and sun myself in the kitchen after school as adviced by the doctor. I hated the huge blisters that formed on my skin when I overexposed it to the sun. I hated the ugly scars that were left behind when the blisters have healed. I hated the sleepless nights that I've endured because of the pain. I hated the days when I was unable to walk because of the pain. I hated all the years when I was ridiculed & abused by my schoolmates due to my funny skin disease. How I hated it when I heard paranoid mothers telling their kids not to play with me, because they are afraid their kids might contract my disease. I hated it so much that I didn't think twice when I gulped down 8 panadols to kill myself when I was only 6!

But what I didn't remember was that you were there beside me.. patiently & tirelessly nursing me back to health. And I've somehow forgotten how hard you have tried to console me when I came home crying, unable to take it anymore.. I've forgotten how you yourself had sleepless nights when I was in pain. How you'd wrung your hand in despair, not knowing how to lessen your daughter's agony and tears.. It was a futile attempt to treat my skin problem and seeing how much money was wasted on those treatments that were not working, I just give up. Now I am more in peace with myself and accepted my condition as it is. And I am extremely lucky to have an understanding husband who loves me unconditionally, just like you did..

Mak.. I've read countless sad poems & stories, telling me how they've regretted not cherishing their own mothers when they were still alive. And I just can't stop the tears welling up in my eyes when I read them, reminding me time & time again not to take you for granted.

The fact that you are living on borrowed time and the fact that I am now a married woman, busy with my own daily tasks only made it worst for me.

I miss you, Mak.. And I love you even more..

If only you knew.. If only you can feel how much I love you by the way I kissed you goodbye everytime I am leaving for my new home in Ubi.

I wished that I can turn back the time and take back all the tears & heartaches I've caused you and replace it with your smiles & laughter, day after day..

I wished that I can shoulder the burden that you are carrying right now because of both of your kidneys.

I wished that I can drop all my current responsibilities and be there for you like the way you have been there for me previously but I can't. I am really sorry..

Mak, no matter how hard you mask your pain, I can clearly see through you. I know that you are hiding all these because you don't want us to worry about you. Now I am the one wringing my hand, trying to find ways to make you comfortable while you are plugged to that machine that is helping me prolong your life..

Mak, I want you to know that I admire your strength, your willfulness, your silent dignity, your beauty, your independence, your resourcefulness, your selflessness, your wisdom and your ability to accept and endure what life have thrown in your path.

If one day I may become a mother myself, I know it will be hard for me to stand as equal as you.

I prayed fervently that you will be by my side forever but I know that it's just wishful thinking. A fool's hope.

What I can do right now is pray for God to grant me more time to undo all the damages that I'd done in the past. And the strength to carry on when you are finally at peace..

PS: I took 1 whole day to type the post above because I have to stop once in a while to stop the tears from welling up in my eyes. And in the middle of it, I gave my mom a call to ask how she's been and promise her that I will be going to pay her a visit this Saturday.

Sigh.. Miss her so much~

Mak in MICU

Friends, please help pray for my mom. Her condition has worsened and she's currently residing in SGH MICU.
Mak's heart stopped this afternoon but the doctors in SGH A & E managed to resuscitate her. She's breathing with the help of machines, her blood pressure is so low even with medications and they are monitoring her situation closely.

The doctors just asked us to be prepared.

Ya Allah.. Please give us strength to go through with this.

'Ayah Bu too..'

I was ecstatic last night. Something wonderful happened.. I wish that I've recorded that precious moment on the video..

It got me floating on cloud nine the whole night..

Sigh.. You must have been thinking what the heck am I rambling on about. Heh.. Well.. Yesterday as I was playing with Alysha, I asked her for a hug.

'Come Alysha, come and hug Ibu.'

As usual, she gave me a tight hug and pat me gently on my back. And as usual too, I will give her a big kiss and said, 'I love you' to her.. Normally, she will reply with some baby talk..

But this time, she replied with 'Ayah bu..'

I was kinda surprised, so I said, 'Oh.. Alysha cakap (said) 'Ayah' and 'Ibu'?.. So clever..'

But suddenly I felt it and then I realised that she had just said, 'I love you'!!!

I was so shocked at this that I just carried her off her feet and twirl her around the room while laughing out loud. Oh baby.. Did you just said 'I love you' to Ibu?

Ayah bu too, darling..

Just blogging about this again today got me so high on love.. I think today is going to be a wonderful day..

PS: Hubby was quite unhappy to miss out on this. And I didn't manage to get Alysha to repeat her performance again for his viewing pleasure. Serve him right for choosing to watch the TV instead of spending time with us. ;p~ Haha..

Alysha Nadya

It's been quite a long time since I blog about my lil Alysha.. It's just that I am having difficulty putting all my thoughts into words right now. She went through a lot of milestones and I am having problems catching up with her.

Every day, she always comes up with something new to surprise me. But there is a little part of me that is asking her to slow down and then there will be other parts of me that just can't wait to see what else she will do tomorrow.

Sigh.. My little baby.. Looking at the past videos when she was just a helpless little bud brought tears to my eyes (It's so easy to make me cry nowadays..). She's blooming so beautifully into a flower. It's happening too fast..

This is the latest video of her creating one of her famous masterpiece on mahjong paper.. Hehehe..

She's wearing a sweet little pink tudung.. with shorts..

Lol~

The things you can get away with if you are just a 15 mth old toddler..

And then here's another picture of the lil makcik in the trolley basket. We were on the way to the supermarket to buy some groceries. Heeehee..

It was our 3rd year anniversary yesterday.. and we didn't get much sleep. And here's why..

Alysha gave us an unforgettable anniversary present. The night before the big day, actually, now that I have time to think about it, it was ON the big day itself as I remembered the time was 12 am. I was just about to go to bed when I heard her coughing. It's the kind of cough that every mother dread to hear, where it always end with a dry heave (I am not sure how to describe it but it's the action that you normally do when you are about to  throw up). And then she will cough some more and if I am fast enough, I will be able to get her to the toilet in time.

I didn't.

She vomited out the content of her stomach on her pillows and mattress. Just when I thought that it was over and wanted to carry her to the bathroom, she let out the rest of it on the way there.. There was half digested food on Alysha, on the bed, pillows, floor, bath mat, laundry basket.. and on me.. yay~!

Hubby (he was watching TV in the living room) came to the rescue and helped clean up the mess while I tried to calm myself down. My baby seems to look relieved instead of sick. Temperature was normal. She was not fussy. Instead, she was cheerful. Phew~

So off we went to the kitchen so that I will be able to fill her tiny tummy again with food. I fed her with nestum and gave her a little milk so that she won't feel hungry in the middle of the night. By this time, both me and hubby was exhausted and the bedroom smell a bit funky.  But little miss chatterbox decided that she wanted to play instead. Bleah~

I think it was only after 2am then she was able to  wind down and get back to sleep.

Yawn.. Zzzzz..

Does Coca-Cola supports Israel?

Another rumour..

'This information is not true, but has been circulated by ill-informed or ill-intentioned third parties. The Coca-Cola Company is not political, and does not support individual countries, governments or political or religious causes.'

Coca-Cola - Contact Us - Middle East Rumors

Rumor Response: Starbucks Statement re: Support of Israel

See..! It's just a rumour.. And this article is quite recent as it is dated 5th Jan 2009.. 

Rumor Response: Starbucks Statement re: Support of Israel

Boycott Watch - Breaking a myth: McDonald's does not support terrorists

This article is dated 7th Oct 2004 but I guess it's still the same. It would be crazy for them to go back and support the Israel now since the rest of the world is watching them.

Boycott Watch - Breaking a myth: McDonald's does not support terrorists

To boycott or not to boycott.. That is the question..

War.. All these while I try not to think about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Tried to avoid reading the papers about it and trying my best to avoid watching the news about it.

Until that faithful day, someone else was holding up the newspaper in front of me.. The image of a man carrying a dead baby girl in his arms, running away from a smoke-covered building was on the front page.. It felt like someone had punched me in the face. That girl! She must have been Alysha's age. I could have cried right there and then if I was not in a crowded MRT.

I can't get the image out of my head. The baby was covered in blood. The look on the man's face. It was so heartbreaking. Is she his daughter? What if that happens to me? How would I had reacted if I were to be in that position?

Ya Allah.. I don't think I will be able to take it.

And then it struck me. If it were to happen to me.. If I were to lose my family members in these atrocities.. To lose everything and everyone whom I love.. To have nothing else to live for.. I would be totally devastated and would never think twice about strapping a bomb to my body.. What else is there in store for me?

It's so simple to stand back and say, 'Peace, No War' with your fingers showing the peace sign and a silly grin on your face. But it's another thing when you are the one who is facing all these.

To others, they are terrorist..

To themselves, they are freedom fighters..

-------------------------------------------------------

Someone sent me an SMS to boycott US products (McDonald's & Starbucks).. But I work for a US company.. How? Resign? In this bad economy climate? Go on a strike? What if I get jailed? And then fired from my job? Am I a lesser Muslim for working in a US company? Taking my monthly paycheck from them?

And wait a minute.. Why the sms stresses on McDonald's & Starbucks only? Isn't this for all American companies? How about Coke? Pepsi? Maybelline? Johnson & Johnson? Microsoft? Nestle? Just to name a few.

And how do I go about with this boycott? Stop using and buying their products? But my PC is currently running on Windows which is by Microsoft. How can I function like this? How How How?

Is this boycott really helping? Or will I just be a drop of water in the ocean?

I read further and saw that in Malaysia, some 2000 Muslim restaurants will remove Coca-cola from their menus as a boycott.  Ok, hopefully the upper management in Coca-cola will wake up because of this boycott as they see their profits start plummeting down. And then what? Will this start a chain of event that will get the US to stop supporting Israel? Let me just tell you this --> Somebody is probably sneaking off to the 7-Eleven store in order to get their coke 'fix'.

Well.. Maybe we feel better if we are doing something for our brethren in Palestine by boycotting these companies. It helps to provide a nice warm glow to our hearts and we can safely say, 'At least I am doing something!'..

But alas.. The reality is that these boycotts never really work. And I not pulling your leg.. Go on.. Go and Google about this boycotting business and see if it is able to bring in any changes at all other than to hit these companies at their pocket.

Not only that, if this boycott seems to continue, then these companies bottomline are gonna get hit, then jobs are at risk. So, who gets the crap? It's ordinary people like me (who is working in a US company, let me remind you again..) who will probably get laid off.

So.. Spare a thought for our friends, relatives who are working in the companies that you are boycotting. Unless you are ready to spare a change for them in the future..

What if..

A few nights ago, I asked Azmi, 'What if I gave birth to Alsyha in a remote kampung last year? I could have died!'

Then I jokingly added, 'And become a pontianak.. ' Because I can't stand the look of his face when I asked him that. Hehe..

You see.. A friend of mine, Shamsaath, gave birth to a beautiful son last month.

When we (Suba was there too) came for a visit, she relate her labour stories to all of us. There was a part when the topic was about epidural (coz Sham was saying that she didn't take it.. Hurray for her!) and someone chipped in and said 'It's all mind over body..' As if we asked for his opinion. Bleah~

Note : All the pictures that was taken by hubby during this visit are all blurry, so no pictures are available...

I can't stop thinking about this. Again and again, the image of me lying there on the bed, thrashing and praying as the pain just kept on coming every minute.. Willing myself not to give in and take the dreaded epidural injection.

Then the midwife came and told me that the baby is in distress and that I have to go through emergency c-section if my cervix refuse to open. She advised me to take the epidural injection as the last resort.. 

So there you go.. If on 23rd October 2007, I were to 'mind over body' and refuse to take that injection, I would have a scar on my tummy right now. Even worst, if I were to give birth a 100 years ago, I could have died because of my non-cooperative cervix, the midwife have to cut open my tummy to save my baby and my hubby will have to re-marry. To think that the 'mind over body' comment comes from a man who have never given birth before is completely and utterly insensitive. You are lucky that you are not my hubby coz you'll never hear the end of it.. Lol~