Hey lil sister~

It's almost 12am now. I tried going to sleep, tossing around on my bed but my head was so full of.. stuffs.. I used to keep a blog to let things out of my chest once in a while. It's just my way to clear out my thoughts.
It's my little psycho-therapy to keep myself sane, because you know what? Once you typed out your problems, it just seems trivial and nonsensical. You don't even have to publish it, just stringing it into sentences and arranging them in little paragraphs can make things look orderly and manageable.
It's so rare nowadays for me to be able to sit down at home to type out my innermost thoughts and feelings. There are always things to do, games to play, books to read and I just get so exhausted, the only thing I want to do is to shut my brain and watch tv. Or just lay on my bed. Sigh.. I can't seem to keep myself awake after 1am too. Gosh.. I'm really getting old.

A couple of months ago, I came across my lil sister's blog and it shocked me beyond words..
There was this post, it was dedicated to me.. It was so sweet and I was so flattered.. Heh.
But there are also others.. Well, let's just say that I was glad she cancelled her blog. And I can also read her Facebook even though she put it as private. Don't ask me how. It's a trade secret~

My sweet little sister. She's the youngest and the fairest. You know how in the fairy tales, the last prince or princess was always the prettiest or the handsomest or the fairest blah blah blah.. Errmm.. Yeah.. That kinda happen in our family. Bleah~ Must be due to some diluted royal blood in us or something. Hehehe..

Anyway, the reason for tossing and turning this evening was because I kept remembering the time I consoled my lil sister when she dropped Abg Ngah's camera. I can't remember when but I think she was very young. You see, Abg Ngah lend his camera to her and told her to really take care of it. And Abg Ngah can be kinda uptight when it comes to the wellbeing of his property. I am a bit vague when it comes to what made it fall but I was probably involved in it. The camera dropped, I laughed evilly, picked it up and shake it. There was some weird rattling sound and I was just about to say, 'Padan muka!' (Serves you right!) when I saw the look on her face.
Oh man.. She looked so crushed and so scared, my sisterly love just welled up. I hugged her and told her that it's ok, everything will be alright. I promised her that I won't tell Abg Ngah and I will help her to cover it up. Hehehe.. You see, the lies I was willing to tell because I just couldn't bear seeing her so scared and hurt.

All those years flown by. We have grown apart, went our separate ways. Only talking when necessary.
It was years later when I hugged her again. This time was when Arwah Mak passed away. While I was being consoled by my hubby, in the midst of my tears and sadness, I saw the same little girl that I used to hug and console her. Her face looked so crushed and scared, her whole life has just came crashing down.
I know her life will never be the same again and I had to do something to save her. At that time, she was about to start on her nursing course in NYP. If she has the same problem I had with Ayah when I was her age, I can't let her be. So I talked to hubby, Alhamdulillah, he gave me the green light to ask her to stay with us. At least she can concentrate on her studies and her school is nearer to my home. She really just need to concentrate on her studies. Nothing else.

So it hurt me really bad when people started asking me, why don't I let her stay with Ayah? Or 'Why let Ayah stay alone?'. I have reasons for doing things the way it is. There is really no need for outsiders to come and question our decisions. It's already hard enough as it is, please don't come and make it even harder.

Now she's here for more than a year. We are back to square one again. Hubby asked me the other day, why can't I just talk to her. I was stumped. Ermm.. I am really bad at conversations (really really bad.. think 'really long uncomfortable silences'). Especially with her. All the time when I start to open my mouth to talk, I'll end up being so tense and it's so awkward. Sigh.
I just wish that she will open up more with us, you know, like the way she is with her friends. I guess I am guilty too, all the uncomfortable silences that we have. But one thing for sure, although I don't show it, I do love her.. very much. I just want her to know that every action that I do now, is because I care for her and also for her own good. Try not to hate us so much. :)

Ya Allah, please guide her to the right path and protect her from harm.